It’s a rainy Sunday night, the first weekend of fall. I’ve been staying at my S.O.’s house for almost a week, so it feels necessary to carve out the ritual of my reflection-space through a virtual medium. Furthermore, it’s time to check in with you.
I am the light of the world.
What would you do if someone close to you uttered these words to you? smack them upside the head? Yeah, me too. But that’s my job today, to say those words, at least silently, to myself. According to the course, these words are the opposite of egotistical, because they’re quite simply, the truth. And equally true of every person that exists.
I’ve been reviewing the first fifty lessons for the past ten days. That’s what you do day fifty to sixty. It’s really too much information. Esp. because I tend to gorge myself on information as it is. For example, I’m now reading FLOW, and it’s blowing my mind. The COURSE in miracles is defiantly outside any other ideology I know about.
I wish I knew what the hell I”m trying to say here tonight. I dont have a single coherent, clear thought to center this rambling around. I’m actually thinking hard about flow right now, and about facing the last week of picture edit on ROMANCE (ugh!), and about the movements of my life going forward. I feel it’s absolutely necessary to, on the one hand, relinquish my false sense of control, and on the other, embrace more authentic power than I’ve ever allowed to move through me. I don’t get to decide what my life is for; I get to decide whether or not to be of use, and to what degree. I want to be of use. Use me, o universe.
Flow is a two way miracle of receiving and sending, and it is beyond mind’s habits. It is a gateway to expanded mind. It’s contact improvisation itself. It’s meditation. It’s knowing the truth of your wholeness.
the message I am getting over and over from the COURSE is that I am indeed already whole, in God, and we are all blameless and equal and complete. I’m forgiving the people I was so jealous of, finally, slowly, tentatively. And I’m willing to set sail from the familiar shores of my thought habits, governed by social and cultural and biological imperatives; the familiar shores of certain places of employment or identification as an artist; in search of truer and truer communication and community.
what is love? it is a direction in which we move. it is a ‘yes’ to the question,’ will you respond?’ It is not a certain response, it’s a commitment to stay open, responsive, curious, TO FLOW.
I would love to talk more specifically about the form of creation I feel called to move towards. But I’m still holding that close to my chest. I’m specifically uncertain whether to include anyone else asa co-creator. I feel that I mustn’t. I feel that I will need supporters and to support, but no cocreators.
and man oh man i am so in love. i am so in love! and i can’t bring myself to utter those little words to this little person, but he knows. yeah, he definitely know.